Friendship

Tom and I recently watched the Martin McDonough film The Banshees of Inisherin. We both really liked it. This is not a cheerful, feel-good film, but it is beautifully acted in a beautiful location. After all, what’s not to love about the scenery of the Irish coast?

The story behind the film is sad. The film is the story of two men who have been friends for a long, long while and then one of them decides he doesn’t want to be friends any longer. He doesn’t really share his reasons (at least none that make sense) and his former friend is baffled—and devastated. It is the story of one person who is done and another person who just cannot give up on the friendship. It is not a simple or easy situation but some of us have been there.

I have some friendships that have lasted more than six decades, but I have also experienced a few that just seemed to evaporate into thin air. One friend walked away from our friendship because I could not live up to her expectations of what I was willing to sacrifice for our friendship. She had been badly hurt in a very ugly divorce, but I was unable to vehemently hate the people she so vehemently hated. She could not bear to remain friends with me. I still feel the pain from this loss, but to quote Alice Walker, “No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow.”

I was the one who stepped away from another friendship because I was shocked and hurt by the cruel way she treated someone I dearly love. It destroyed any trust I ever had of her. It is very difficult, perhaps impossible, to have a real friendship with anyone you cannot trust. It also made me realize that I had seen this friend treat others badly but had looked the other way. I wish my eyes had been opened sooner.

Friendships take care and nurturing and gratitude. Sometimes we are not easy people to be friends with. Life is a bit of a rollercoaster and sometimes it takes courage to stay in the car when the coaster is flying up and down and up and down. There are some who adore rollercoasters but others, like me, just don’t like…well, I guess I don’t like the feeling of not being in control, especially when it is my body that is being hurled through space. A friendship falling apart has that same horrible feeling of being hurled through space with no control. There are those that will stay right by our side and others who are along just for a brief ride.

There are so many, many songs written about friendship. Randy Newman: “You’ve got a friend in me.” Carole King: “Where you lead I will follow…”. Think of Lucy and Ethel singing: “Friendship, friendship, just the perfect blend ship…” The Beatles: “A little help from my friends.” Garth Brooks: “Friends in low places.” I imagine you can name even more.

As Shakespeare wrote, “ Words are easy, like the wind; faithful friends are hard to find.” It hurts to lose a friend. Sometimes we can restore a friendship and other times, no matter how hard we try, it is just not possible.

Sometimes we have to let go and move on. We have to do a check in with our own heart. Only by doing this check in can we really determine the value of a friendship. When we have a keeper of one of those through-thick-and-thin friends, we need to give thanks and celebrate and hold on. Hold on.